I struggled for a while to come up with a title for this post. Something happened recently that I have wanted to blog about for a while, but it took some time for me to sort out my thoughts and decide where I wanted to go with this post. This post concerns the death of a man we will call Gary. Gary passed away early this week.
Gary was the patriarch of a family of dear friends of both Heather and mine from back in the old hometown. They were quite a lovely family in better times: mother Mary Ann, twins Fred and Sharon, and daughter Laura. Sadly, this family was beset by a number of gut-wrenching tragedies over the years. Any one of these happenings would be incomprehensible for any close-knit family to swallow, but this family just seemed to have more than their fair share of troubles for reasons we will never understand in this life.
Nearly two decades ago, Sharon unexpectedly passed away as a teenager due to a severe asthma attack. She was such a sweet girl, and she would no doubt have grown up into a fine woman someday. It didn't seem fair that God could call home someone so wonderful who had barely begun living. Sharon's death deeply affected their whole family, as well as all of us who knew her.
Almost a decade later, Mary Ann herself would be killed in a car accident while driving to work one morning. This happened about a month or two after Heather and I got married. Her passing was so bittersweet -- we knew she would be reunited with Sharon in Heaven, but we missed her here on Earth, and we were so sad for the family she left behind.
These events serve as a reminder of life lesson #1: you just never know when your time here on Earth will end. We have no guarantees of a long life. Get right with God, and hug your family every day.
For the rest of this post, I want to talk more about Gary. Gary could be an incredibly difficult person to be around at times, even before all the tragedies. He was frequently gruff and abrasive. He was apparently a rather learned individual, having attended the University of Illinois (one of my alma maters!) at one point. I believe I even heard once that he had a law degree. However, whenever we were around Gary, we frequently got the impression that he felt he was smarter than all the rubes around him. I suspect he didn't really much care for taking orders, and I recall he got let go from at least one job. He tried starting at least one business, which ultimately failed. Many people found Gary to be very off-putting. We aren't sure what Gary did for much of the time he was unemployed, as he stayed home while Mary Ann went to work as a teacher. I know Mr. Mom situations are perfectly normal these days, but most Mr. Moms tend pitch in with the housework while their spouses are working. We never really saw that with Gary. I know he wrote letters to the editor of the local paper a lot, but I am not sure what else he did with his time. At any rate, teachers are woefully underpaid, and the family really could have used the additional financial help he could have provided by taking a job.
This brings me to life lesson #2: sometimes you have to suck up your pride and step up to provide for your family's needs. Believe me, I have been in situations like this before. It's not easy.
Now I will admit that there is a lot about Gary that I don't know, not being a member of their family. I hope I am not coming across as overly judgemental -- if so, I do apologize. It is easy for those of us on the outside of the situation to criticize. I think it is entirely likely that Gary suffered from some kind of clinical depression or other mental illness. I saw similar symptoms in my own grandfather, who was hospitalized at a state hospital in Texas on a number of occasions. Sadly, mental illness often carries a stigma in our society, and this stigma discourages many people from seeking adequate treatment. There is no shame in having a mental illness -- it is an illness, just like diabetes or high blood pressure. If you have a mental illness, and you have the capacity to recognize it and get help for it, then you owe it to yourself and your family to do so. I don't know if Gary ever sought out any help -- but if he didn't, he should have.
Toward the end of his life, Gary did not cope especially well with the many tragedies that had befallen him. We know he turned to alcohol to deal with his pain. People on occasion tried to reach out and help him, only to be rebuked by Gary in one of his drunken stupors. Gary had become a bitter and angry alcoholic. I cut the man a little slack on that one -- many of us would probably face the same temptations in dealing with the unimaginable amount of anguish he faced.
And this brings me to life lesson #3: we ultimately have choices. We can choose destructive ways of coping with our issues, or we can choose to reach out and get help.
Ultimately, Gary died a bitter and lonely death. He was estranged from his own surviving children, having disapproved of their choices of spouses. His obituary has yet to appear in the local paper, and I wonder if it ever will. When I first learned of Gary's death, I felt disgust. Disgust at the choices he made, and what he put his family through over the years. After reflecting on it a while, my feelings have changed more toward pity. He could have had such a better life for himself if only he had made different choices. While it would be easy to say that his life, in many ways, was a waste -- perhaps it is not so after all. His life can serve as an object lesson for all of us to make better choices, love our families unconditionally, and strive to do better.
Farewell, Gary. I hope you are in a better place now.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Thoughts on Texas and Oregon
Well, it's been a couple of months since we stepped off the plane here in Portland. Where does the time go? Sorry we haven't blogged more, but the last six months or so have been really challenging. I had to spend a lot of time undoing four years of wear and tear on our old house in Texas to get it ready to sell. Little boys are hard on houses, let me tell you. We (mostly me) repainted it top to bottom, had new carpet installed, and put new tile in the master bathroom. On top of working and taking the kids to school, scouts, and the like. Thankfully, it all got done, and the dust on our move is starting to settle at last.
Our reasons for the move are many and varied; I won't get into all of them here. I make no secret of my dislike for what Austin has become over the last several years or so. As recently as 15 years ago, it was a fun, laid back place to live. However, things have changed since then, and not necessarily for the better. I like to say it has become "Dallasificated." You know -- the traffic, the smog, the sprawl, and the massive rush to tear everything in sight down and build overpriced high-rise lofts in their place. The last one is what really chaps me the most. Many cultural aspects that made Austin unique over the years are rapidly disappearing thanks to crass redevelopment. I understand people need places to live; I just wish those places wouldn't come at the expense of Austin's cultural icons. If you want to live in Dallas, then move to Dallas. Don't turn Austin into another Dallas.
Sadly, I have come to the realization that Austin is what it is now, and I can't do much to change it. I can either accept it or leave. So along with a variety of other reasons, we made the decision to do the latter. All that said, there are many aspects of Austin I truly miss -- things like Texas Longhorns football, Trudy's Tex-Mex Cafe, Rudy's BBQ, and of course, the many friends we made there. We plan to come back and visit lots to get our fill of those things as often as we can.
I confess my views have probably changed some over the last several years, even to the extent that they are no longer compatible with the prevailing political climate in Texas anymore. I wouldn't say I am liberal so much as I am libertarian these days. The politicians running Texas seem to spend all their time pandering to either high-dollar corporate lobbyists or their pet ultraconservative social issues. Criminalizing private sexual behavior immediately comes to mind. I could care less if people use sex toys on each other in private -- of course in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I am much more concerned about funding road construction, fixing failing schools, lowering energy prices while developing alternative sources of energy, and ensuring affordable access to health care for everyone. You know, actually addressing the problems that impact Texans in their everyday lives. But those are all hard problems to solve, and it's much easier to go back to Waco or Dallas or Amarillo come election time and reassure all the voters there that you did your part to keep those evil, Satanic vibrators out of our great state.
Here's a question to all of you who believe we should legislate morality: what would stop a Muslim from assuming power and imposing Sharia on everyone? Would legislating morality be such a great idea then? I for one look to the church for God's teachings, and not the state. By virtue of the fact that God has imbued each of us with free will, we have choices. We can choose to follow God, or we can choose to live in sin. Having the state impose a particular version of morality on everyone seems to run contradictory to our God-given purpose.
But I digress.
Having lived in Oregon for a couple of months now, I absolutely love it here. Sure, the winters are drab. No place is perfect, and that is part of the deal if you live here. Needless to say, trips to the bookstore or library, skiing on Mt. Hood, and vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, Florida, and the Caribbean are popular then. (We figure a holiday visit back to Texas would be an ideal plan for us!) However, the summers here are fantastic, and the scenery is second to none.
Best of all, the people here are wonderful. Sure, there are a few knuckleheads here, just like anywhere else. Nearly everyone we met has been friendly and welcoming, though. It's a really laid back place. You don't really have to worry much about fitting in because everyone here is perhaps just a little bit different in some way. People here seem to be less concerned with putting up appearances, which I love. Best of all, I think half of Oregon moved here from Texas in the first place. We have run into so many people who are either from Texas, used to live in Texas, or have some other kind of Texas connection.
Yes, Oregon does have certain quirks. You can't pump your own gas here. We have a high state income tax here, but no sales tax. We have to pay deposits on soda cans and bottles. The state here owns all the liquor, although most stores are not state-owned anymore -- they are run by private contractors instead. There are no "wet" and "dry" areas as such here, though. I think these are all things that make Oregon unique and interesting, but perhaps they aren't everyone's cup of tea.
One of the big knocks on Oregon is the land use restrictions. In essence, cities cannot grow out beyond a limit known as an urban growth boundary. I am not up on all the particulars, and perhaps it is possible to extend the boundary if people want it to be done so. This has created an interesting situation in places like Portland, where people who bought large lots long ago have made money by subdividing their lots and having another house built on them. So lots here tend to be smaller, and home values tend to be higher. There are also many cases where nice, older homes have been either relocated (somewhere outside of Portland) or, more commonly, demolished in order to make room for a big mansion on the same lot, often negatively impacting the character of the neighborhood. I can understand those criticisms, but I do like how the regulations have made Portland into a more compact city. It feels like a much smaller city than it really is, thanks to its compact size. I also like how the regulations protect the farmland outside the city, too. I do understand the criticisms, although it is worth noting that Seattle has no such restrictions, and they have even higher housing prices than we do to go along with all their sprawl.
Overall, I like it here in Oregon, and I plan on staying a while.
Our reasons for the move are many and varied; I won't get into all of them here. I make no secret of my dislike for what Austin has become over the last several years or so. As recently as 15 years ago, it was a fun, laid back place to live. However, things have changed since then, and not necessarily for the better. I like to say it has become "Dallasificated." You know -- the traffic, the smog, the sprawl, and the massive rush to tear everything in sight down and build overpriced high-rise lofts in their place. The last one is what really chaps me the most. Many cultural aspects that made Austin unique over the years are rapidly disappearing thanks to crass redevelopment. I understand people need places to live; I just wish those places wouldn't come at the expense of Austin's cultural icons. If you want to live in Dallas, then move to Dallas. Don't turn Austin into another Dallas.
Sadly, I have come to the realization that Austin is what it is now, and I can't do much to change it. I can either accept it or leave. So along with a variety of other reasons, we made the decision to do the latter. All that said, there are many aspects of Austin I truly miss -- things like Texas Longhorns football, Trudy's Tex-Mex Cafe, Rudy's BBQ, and of course, the many friends we made there. We plan to come back and visit lots to get our fill of those things as often as we can.
I confess my views have probably changed some over the last several years, even to the extent that they are no longer compatible with the prevailing political climate in Texas anymore. I wouldn't say I am liberal so much as I am libertarian these days. The politicians running Texas seem to spend all their time pandering to either high-dollar corporate lobbyists or their pet ultraconservative social issues. Criminalizing private sexual behavior immediately comes to mind. I could care less if people use sex toys on each other in private -- of course in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I am much more concerned about funding road construction, fixing failing schools, lowering energy prices while developing alternative sources of energy, and ensuring affordable access to health care for everyone. You know, actually addressing the problems that impact Texans in their everyday lives. But those are all hard problems to solve, and it's much easier to go back to Waco or Dallas or Amarillo come election time and reassure all the voters there that you did your part to keep those evil, Satanic vibrators out of our great state.
Here's a question to all of you who believe we should legislate morality: what would stop a Muslim from assuming power and imposing Sharia on everyone? Would legislating morality be such a great idea then? I for one look to the church for God's teachings, and not the state. By virtue of the fact that God has imbued each of us with free will, we have choices. We can choose to follow God, or we can choose to live in sin. Having the state impose a particular version of morality on everyone seems to run contradictory to our God-given purpose.
But I digress.
Having lived in Oregon for a couple of months now, I absolutely love it here. Sure, the winters are drab. No place is perfect, and that is part of the deal if you live here. Needless to say, trips to the bookstore or library, skiing on Mt. Hood, and vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, Florida, and the Caribbean are popular then. (We figure a holiday visit back to Texas would be an ideal plan for us!) However, the summers here are fantastic, and the scenery is second to none.
Best of all, the people here are wonderful. Sure, there are a few knuckleheads here, just like anywhere else. Nearly everyone we met has been friendly and welcoming, though. It's a really laid back place. You don't really have to worry much about fitting in because everyone here is perhaps just a little bit different in some way. People here seem to be less concerned with putting up appearances, which I love. Best of all, I think half of Oregon moved here from Texas in the first place. We have run into so many people who are either from Texas, used to live in Texas, or have some other kind of Texas connection.
Yes, Oregon does have certain quirks. You can't pump your own gas here. We have a high state income tax here, but no sales tax. We have to pay deposits on soda cans and bottles. The state here owns all the liquor, although most stores are not state-owned anymore -- they are run by private contractors instead. There are no "wet" and "dry" areas as such here, though. I think these are all things that make Oregon unique and interesting, but perhaps they aren't everyone's cup of tea.
One of the big knocks on Oregon is the land use restrictions. In essence, cities cannot grow out beyond a limit known as an urban growth boundary. I am not up on all the particulars, and perhaps it is possible to extend the boundary if people want it to be done so. This has created an interesting situation in places like Portland, where people who bought large lots long ago have made money by subdividing their lots and having another house built on them. So lots here tend to be smaller, and home values tend to be higher. There are also many cases where nice, older homes have been either relocated (somewhere outside of Portland) or, more commonly, demolished in order to make room for a big mansion on the same lot, often negatively impacting the character of the neighborhood. I can understand those criticisms, but I do like how the regulations have made Portland into a more compact city. It feels like a much smaller city than it really is, thanks to its compact size. I also like how the regulations protect the farmland outside the city, too. I do understand the criticisms, although it is worth noting that Seattle has no such restrictions, and they have even higher housing prices than we do to go along with all their sprawl.
Overall, I like it here in Oregon, and I plan on staying a while.
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